When You Don’t Remember: Understanding Dissociation and the Path Back to Connection

Have you ever struggled to remember parts of your childhood, or noticed blank spots in your memory after a stressful event? You’re not alone. Many people worry that not remembering means something is “wrong” with them, but in fact, it’s often a very normal survival response called dissociation.

What Is Dissociation?

Dissociation happens when the brain and body temporarily “disconnect” from an overwhelming experience. Think of it as the nervous system’s built-in safety switch: when fight or flight isn’t possible, the mind may “check out” instead.

This can show up in different ways:

• Memory gaps (forgetting parts of your past or even recent conversations).

• Feeling detached from your body or emotions.

• Spacing out or losing track of time.

Rather than being a flaw, dissociation is actually a remarkable coping skill. It’s the brain’s way of protecting us from experiences that feel too overwhelming to process in the moment.

Why You Might Not Remember

When we’re calm and safe, memories are encoded in an organized way—like files in a cabinet. But under extreme stress or trauma, the filing system can break down. Memories may be stored as fragments—sensations, images, or emotions—without a clear storyline.

This is why you might:

• Remember the smell of a hospital but not the sequence of events.

• Recall how your body felt (tight chest, shaky hands) but not what was said.

• Feel strong emotions but have no picture of where they came from.

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Reconnecting the Dots

The good news is that memory isn’t gone forever—it’s just stored differently. Healing often involves gently reconnecting body sensations, emotions, and fragments of memory so they can form a fuller picture.

This process takes time and is most effective with guidance, but there are small steps you can begin on your own:

• Notice sensations: Pay attention to where tension or numbness shows up in your body.

• Practice presence: Use breath or grounding exercises to stay connected in the moment.

• Journal fragments: Even jotting down single words, feelings, or images can begin weaving threads of connection.

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Patience and Self-Compassion Are Key

If you don’t remember, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your system did exactly what it needed to survive. Healing is less about forcing memories back and more about creating safety so your mind and body feel ready to share what’s been stored.

It may feel frustrating at times, but patience and self-compassion are essential. Each small step of awareness—whether it’s noticing a sensation, a flash of memory, or even realizing you’ve dissociated—is progress.

Final Thought

Not remembering is a normal response to overwhelming experiences. Dissociation is your brain’s way of protecting you. Over time, with care and support, the threads of memory and sensation can be gently reconnected. This isn’t about rushing or prying open locked doors—it’s about creating safety, trust, and compassion so that your system can choose, in its own time, to share its story.

References

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score. Penguin Books.

• Herman, J. (2015). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

• Schauer, M., Neuner, F., & Elbert, T. (2011). Narrative Exposure Therapy: A Short-Term Treatment for Traumatic Stress Disorders. Hogrefe.